Suddenly Single

I couldn't decide what to write about this month.

At first I thought of writing about my summer road trip with Luke (my son). We went to Wales for a golf tournament right on the coast. The sea was a stunning deep blue with rocky, rugged coastline, a 40 ft. tide and huge waves. It was a step back in time like many seaside towns in Wales and Cornwall. Coney Island meets Daphne du Maurier. I swear the sun was bigger in Wales - it made the sunsets breathtaking and so beautiful that we didn't mind their definition of a slight breeze - which in Welsh is a 50 mph or so wind. The golf went on with torrential sideways gale storms blowing that were simply "passing showers." Wales is not for wimps!

After a week we headed for London to catch up with friends and enjoy the relative calm. It was wonderful having Luke off the course and all to myself. Every day we had lunch. We shopped on the Kings Road, ate sushi at Harrods and talked about life and his plans for the future now that he is out of high school. I cherished that trip, knowing it could be the first and last of its kind. Hanging out with Mum in London or anywhere when you are a young man of eighteen is not high on the priority list.

Then I toyed with the idea of writing about how much I had missed my daughter, Sophie, while I was in England with Luke. It was awful being so far away from her for almost three weeks. In the fifteen years since she was born, I had rarely been away from her for more than a few days. The only other time I left her in the care of someone else (and that was for two weeks), she was nine months old and I was still married.

With my BFF Judy and then my Mum sharing the duties, I knew Sophie was in good hands, but still I missed her sweet face and her funny stories. I missed her hanging out with me in the kitchen, telling stories while I was cooking and couldn't wait to get her daily emails. I don't know what I will do when she goes off to college. I made a deal with myself, that I would take her on a "just us" trip when she turns eighteen, too. But not in Wales, a spa trip will be on the agenda for us.

Then I thought I would write about having just had three weeks away from home to think about what my life is now and what I want it to be in the future. It was a luxury born out of circumstance. Not much else to do in Wales. Let me give you an example; the closest WIFI access was three miles away and no it was not at a cozy Starbucks (the closest Starbucks was forty five minutes away). Cell phone service was dodgy, too. Standing on top of a pile of rocks to make a phone call with the wind and rain whipping around was not fun. Mr. Crown and Ginger took umbrage with the Welsh cell phone towers or lack there of. I liked not being tied to the phone.

I asked myself.what do I want? With my children growing up and soon going off on their own, I will have ample time for me. So what does ME want? A full time relationship? Can I handle that kind of relationship responsibility again? Am I too set in my Suddenly Single ways? How long will it take to piss Mr. Crown and Ginger off (if my Welsh cell phone tower induced silence hasn't already done so)? Am I destined to be alone? Not that "alone" has ever bothered me. As I have said many times, one can be far lonelier in a bad marriage or relationship than when one lives alone.

While I am single, I am neither alone nor lonely. I am fortunate to have friends and a full life, which developed from being on my own. Yes, I have tried to make my life less complicated, but I never strove to make it smaller. I have tried to grow and make things better with the resources, people and opportunities I have been given.

One reason I worry about the relationship thing is that I want to keep it new and fresh, and the only way I know how to do that is to have my own full life. I learned a long time ago not to rely on someone else to make me happy. But that damn word "compromise" keeps popping up and I don't like it. I looked it up recently and I really didn't like the definition.

Com-pro-mise: A settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted.*

Accept less than they originally wanted. Hmmmm.

After my soggy and windy weeks of "soul searching" in Wales this is what I have come up with: I am not ready to say yes to something that I don't want or plan to do. Now does that make me a B*#@H or have I simply finally gained the confidence I lacked for so long. For the longest time, I never knew what I wanted, but now it is finally dawning on me. Why should I compromise? Does wanting it my way (like the rules) make me a card carrying you know what? Or is it in fact a show of very hard fight for personal strength?

I like the independence and freedom to do what I want, when I want, and the way I want to do it. I will not be caged now that I finally feel I can fly like a bird. Call it age, call it timing, you can even call it b*#@hy. I don't mind. Who knows? Someday it may be called wisdom.