[Oh Just Park It]

The holiday shopping madness had not even started. However, when I think about it, I guess the crazy, fanatical parkers are crazy year round. You know the ones I'm referring to-those who would sell their soul to the devil to get the closest parking space possible.

I had pulled into the Target parking lot; something I try not to do very often. As I slowly drove down a row to pull into the first open parking space, a lady backed out in front of me. I braked quickly to avoid hitting her. She gunned it, braked, and pulled into a spot just three spaces down from where she was just parked. "Lazy bum," I thought. Seriously, she just moved her car a mere 10-yards to avoid having to walk so far. It wasn't raining. It wasn't cold. This woman is either the laziest person on earth, or has been brainwashed, like so many, that you must find the closest parking space available; if you don't, you have in someway failed and/or lost out.

This is a phenomenon I don't get. I truly don't care where I park. Close, far, midway.I'm not afraid to walk, and I don't have a complex about it, either. My nonchalance stems from having a mother who is just the opposite. She will circle a parking lot for 15 minutes, passing numerous open spaces, in search of a "good" spot. My theory is: I can park, walk in, get what I need, pay, walk out, and exit the parking lot before she's ever brought her car to a stop. It reminds me of a dog trying to find the perfect spot to "go," and then going around and round before actually squatting. I haven't figured this one out, either.

Yes, my mother judges me based on how good of a parking spot I can find. It's like there is a line (only in her head), and if you park on the wrong side of it.epic fail. In fact, to this day, if she is in the car with me, I ask permission if a certain spot is suitable before I pull in. 

I find it all so ridiculous. Think about it. In most parking lots, even if you are in the very furthest spot, you still don't have to walk more than about 473 feet-a journey that is surely survivable, if not good for you. Laziness is so unappealing. But, worse than those with the lazy bone, are those who prey like a fox in a chicken coop-the parking lot ragers. They are hunters-actually poachers-on a mission. They will steal the spot in which you are patiently waiting for right from under your nose.all for the sake of getting a "good" space. Do you see the psychology here; cuckoo, don't you think?

Two hilarious scenes from movies come to mind that illustrate my point perfectly. The first one is from Fried Green Tomatoes when Kathy Bates politely waits for a car to pull out of a space at the Winn-Dixie. As the car pulls out, in flies a red VW convertible from the wrong direction, taking the spot. Two young blondes get out of the car and saunter by Kathy. She timidly tells them that she was waiting on that space. One of the blondes says, "Face it lady. We're younger and faster." Bates then goes into a manic spree of smashing the rear end of the VW over and over and over again. The girls come running out, and the empowered Bates coolly oozes before driving off, "Face it girls. I'm older and I have more insurance." It's one of those moments when everyone in the theater cheers for the underdog. It's a moment that every one of us, who has ever been wronged by a parking lot rager, has fantasized about and wished we could do the same thing. Nobody likes a rager. Even ragers don't get other ragers-that's how insane all this is.

The other classic parking dilemma scene involves one of my favorite characters, Tyler Perry's Madea. In Madea Goes to Jail, Madea is in the same situation as Kathy Bates-waiting patiently for a car to pull out, only for a sexy, little hot number-both car and driver-to trump her for the spot. I have to say Madea one-ups Bates, making her almost look civilized. After appealing to Jesus to help her keep her calm, Madea steals a fork lift and raises the little red sports car into the air.  When the female car owner demands her to put it down, Madea drops it like it's hot-from about 20 feet in the air. The scene is written for us to cheer for Madea; she just triumphed over a snotty parking lot rager, who cheated to get the better space. That just goes to prove that Americans like justice, way more than unfairness.even if it involves going a little cray cray.

Indeed, it is crazy out there, especially during December, when shopping-and parking- morph into extreme sports. If you're one of those who steal parking spaces, beware; all of America is against you. Somebody might go Kathy Bates on you; you can't say you didn't deserve it or see it coming. Ask yourself if you really want to be that person who circles all day, or judges people about where they are willing to park, or who underhandedly poaches other people's parking spots.

Really now, is that who you want to be? Take some deep breaths, and give yourself some space.any space, that is.