Hissy Fit

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
-Erma Bombeck

I like football. I really do. But it has gone too far at my house this season. My son, Conner, now 14, and his father, Dana, my husband, watch it continuously.

Fanatical, obsessive, fixated is the range we're living in when it comes to football.

Me, I'm satisfied with watching the Gamecocks, my team, play, and when they're done, I'm done. They watch the Miami Hurricanes play too, which I understand because that's my husband's team. But it goes further than that. They also watch every other televised game that will affect the ranking outcome of either the Gamecocks or the Hurricanes. It's not enough just to catch Sports Center at 11:00 and eye the scores. They have to actually watch the games.

Last Saturday, they brought Conner's television from his room into the den and placed it on the hearth of the fireplace so they could have two games on at once without flipping. (Now you're beginning to get the picture.) Like that stopped them from flipping. It wasn't like there were only two games on. Now they flipped channels on both televisions so they could watch what seemed like an infinite amount of games.

And football is on five out of the seven days of the week now. Not just Saturday and Sunday. Nope, we have Monday night football, the Thursday night game of the week, and some team usually plays Friday night and sometimes even Tuesday night. It's nuts or at least it's making me nuts.

The other night we had out-of-town visitors, our friends Phillip and Susan, staying with us. We were trying to watch a show that starred the brother of one of Susan's clients. My husband flipped to check the score during every commercial. Finally I got up and took the remote from him. When I asked what channel our guests had been watching, he quickly responded 26. So I turned to 26 and it was the same darn channel it was already on - ESPN. He thought that was the funniest thing. I wasn't laughing, although I have to admit it was clever for someone entranced in a football stupor.

It doesn't stop at football though. The World Series of Baseball is upon us. All I ever hear from the two of them is how they don't like baseball. But my husband's big dream is to go to Fenway and watch the Red Sox play. Go figure. I mean they don't ever even watch baseball except during the playoffs when the Red Sox are doing well. Then it's like super glue is squirted out of the television and into their eyes. It would be taking my life into my own hands to even mention HGTV during the game. I remind them they don't like baseball. They look at me and say something like, "Huh?"

And here's the kicker. After spending all that time watching every game play-by-play, they feel the need to read all about it in the newspaper the next day. Do they really think something changed since the game was over? Plus, one of them will log onto the internet to check out the new rankings hours before they come out just in case they are posted early. I don't know what else to say except bless their hearts, and I'm headed to the mall to play my own version of football. That's where I have a "ball" trying on (and buying) fabulous "foot" wear, a.k.a. shoes!

P.S. When my husband read this article he said, "I didn't know Susan's client was on a show? Who? Which show?" I rest my case.