Airing Out my Dirty Laundry

"Behind every working woman is
an enormous pile of unwashed laundry."
--Barbara Dale

If laundry were an animal, it would be a rabbit. Why? Because the more you do it, the more it multiplies. Right when I think I can see the bottom of the three hampers and three laundry baskets, more laundry appears from out of nowhere, until I begin to realize that it looks hauntingly familiar. It is the load that was just in the dryer. Why is it back in the laundry basket? Oh, I know why, because whoever switched the load out didn't want to fold it.

While we're on the subject of folding, I have to wonder if I am the only one that despises folding. Actually, now that I think about it, that's a silly question. Obviously, those I live with also hate folding and would prefer if I just washed the same load, sheets of course, over and over again until my eyes spin back and forth in resemblance to the spin-cycle or until the end-of-time, whichever comes first.

Back to those that hate to fold, let me reveal some of their tactics (and if you are reading this, I know who you are and the gig is up):

The other day before leaving for work, I put two loads of laundry on the counter. I didn't have time to fold them - o.k, you're right, I didn't take time to fold them hoping someone else would - but nonetheless, I wanted to keep the laundry assembly line flowing. When I got home the two loads were gone. I was thrilled that members of my family had folded and put them away. And that would have been wonderful if that had actually happened. Sadly, I was told they were not folded and I received a little laundry lesson. Did you know that if a load sits out for more than 15 minutes it will get cold and wrinkled and have to go back to the dryer. forever? The dryer can chime all night, practically screaming, "Chime - the load is done. CHime - that means they're dry. CHIme - my part is over, yet I'm still running! CHIMe - come get the clothes now!! CHIME - Oh, I give up. If the dryer feels that way, you can only imagine my pain.

Next, I have to shout out to Mr. Towel User. He takes a minimum of two showers a day, sometimes three, and thinks using the same towel more than once is gross. Personally, I think washing seven bushels of towels a week is beyond gross, it's torture. Although, these are the seven loads I actually don't mind folding; washrags are my favorite. But, heavens to Betsy, we are not a public beach cabana or a gym freely handing out towels. If we are, would somebody please tell me because I want to meet the towel boy. Hopefully, he looks something like George Clooney and if so, I'll be happy to do the laundry.

Let's not forget Miss Try-On. Every time we go somewhere, she tries on a vast amount of clothes before deciding what to wear. Once she decides, unfortunately, she is allergic to hanging up the rest of them. Her solution: put them in the hamper. After all, they did touch her body, and she did actually wear them for at least 30 seconds before she peeled them off, making sure they were inside-out and mangled. So, in her mind, a casual toss towards, not in, the laundry basket is more than merited. How thoughtless! When I was young, I at least had the decency to stuff them under my bed or throw them in the bottom of my closet. I wouldn't have dreamed putting my mother in a situation where she had to present multiple over-stuffed baskets of laundry to the housekeeper.

With each load being dried forever, unloaded and put back in the laundry basket, it's no wonder I'm living in laundry limbo. Once, I was so desperate to get the laundry done before the weekend, I gathered it all up and lugged it to a laundromat that does it for you. They charged by the pound; in my case it should have been by the ton. I almost had to rent a small U-haul just to get it there. Unbelievably, at the end of the day, it was washed, folded and actually smelled fresh. I guess they didn't have time to let it sour in the washer before putting it in the dryer. Chime.CHime.CHIME.time to stop airing my dirty laundry, I've got to hurry to the dryer. before that load is considered cold and wrinkled.