Hissy Fit - June 2026 - Would You Like Fries...With Your Salad?

May 2026 Issue
by Elizabeth Skenes Millen

 
Here we are back in swimsuit season when body-insecurity
and beach cover-ups are at an all-time high.
We all feel those judging eyes looking our way whether
we’re on the beach or simply enjoying a ladies’ lunch with friends.

We’ve all been there. You know, out to lunch, with the girls from work or Bible study, where you have to be the first one to order. After scouring the menu and scanning the faces of the women at the table, especially the skinny ones, you order: “I’ll have a grilled chicken sandwich; hold the mayonnaise, please.” There. You did it. Ordered something halfway healthy…grilled chicken, even gave up the Duke’s mayo for show. Then the waitress blurts out, “Do want fries with that, Sugah?” All eyes avert to you in slow motion as you reluctantly ask for the alternatives to fries and order fresh fruit.

You can almost hear the collective sigh of relief as all eyes divert back to their menus. Then, as the server goes around the table taking orders, nothing else but an assortment of salads is ordered.

Not only are you peeved that you forfeited your French fries—as if ordering grilled chicken over a burger wasn’t sacrifice enough--you also feel that every time you speak, your friends only hear “oinking” because YOU did not order a salad.

Then it becomes clear you are now an outcast on the fringe of modern lady law because you have sided with the enemy…bread.

When everyone’s food arrives, you settle in with your dry, grilled chicken sandwich and tasteless fruit cup. You contemplate taking at least one side of the bun off as a peace offering, but realize as you look around the table, your friends are barely visible behind the ginormous salads sitting in front of each of them.

Just one of these salads is large enough to feed a room full of multiplying rabbits. Collectively, you’re thinking third world country...no more hunger. But you’re still the the glutton—after all, your meal contains bread and resembles a hamburger, even though it came with such a small amount of fruit you’re wondering if it’s a garnish.

“Where are my damn French fries when I need them,” you think, as your brow automatically furls, as if you smell something nasty—probably Muffy’s “Kale Yeah Supreme” with massaged organic kale, avocado slices, crispy lentils, hemp hearts, chia pet seeds, activated cashews, wild mountain drunken goat cheese, locally whispered-to cucumbers, topped with a light dusting of superiority. Of course it’s flavorfully dressed with Meyer lemon-tahini with single-origin olive oil slurry and garnished with a smattering of emotional support toasted pumpkin seeds.

Well, here’s the kicker salad eaters: Just because it’s called salad doesn’t mean it’s low-calorie, low-fat, or not going to stick to your thighs like a watermelon seed in the summer heat. Sorry if I’m bursting your salad-eating bubble, but guess what? Salad can be more fattening than a hamburger and, yes, with French fries combined—more calories, even more fat! (Sit down, Sweetie. You’re going to be okay. Bless your salad-eating heart…breathe!)

I did a little research and found that a traditional restaurant Cobb salad can have nearly than 1,400 calories and 75 grams of fat. Holy. Freaking. Moly. We could have shared chili cheese fries and not nearly racked up that high of a nutritional bill.

I know…eating salad portrays that you’re being so good. But it’s time to take off your green goddess glasses and realize that you, too, are possibly choosing poorly, all in the name of salad. Everyone knows croutons, chicken fingers, cheese, bacon, eggs, sunflower seeds, steak, olives and especially salad dressings—even on the side—pack on calories and fat, making that wholesome salad quite a load. We just continue to deceive ourselves into thinking as long as it’s called a salad, we’ve got things under control. Say it ain’t so…

“It ain’t so, Sistah!”

Now, back to that dry, sans mayo, grilled chicken sandwich—with bread—and fruit garnish. This innocuous, innocent, completely misunderstood meal in its entirety is less than 500 calories and only 11 fat grams. Please don’t get me wrong; I’m not rubbing it in your salad-eating face, I’m just sayin’.

My point is eat and let eat. I’m not asking you to stop eating your wheelbarrow full of salad, if that’s your thing, or to stop loading it with whatever calorie-laden toppings you want. I just think there should be equal opportunity eating—without judgement!

So, please raise your right hand and repeat after me: I promise, I won’t say a word, or give the OMG eye roll, or talk about you when you go to the restroom, no matter what you order…even if you order the Cobb salad.