The Power of Women's Friendships



There is mounting evidence, scientific and otherwise,?suggesting that friendships, for women in particular,?are as essential as bread and as crucial as chocolate!


    A couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to hear Anita Diamant, author of The Red Tent, speak. She's written three novels about women's friendships. She reminds us that:
    "Friends are always there to hold us up, tell us when we're whining and when it's time to update your eye makeup. Friends show up when it matters. Friends sustain us in our lives."
    My friends have always sustained me. They have been a lifeline along a long path. I have had a couple of friends for decades, who are essential in my life. They help me remember who I really am.
    A landmark UCLA study supports that friendships between women are special. Our girlfriends serve many functions in our lives. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriages, and help us to remember who we really are. But they may do even more. Says Dr. Klein, "It seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending and befriending, more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men."
    Tending and befriending-being with your friends and caring about those around you-is stress reducing and health promoting. The "Boston's Nurses Health Study" found that the more friends a woman has, the less likely she is to have physical impairments as she ages, and the more likely she is to lead a joyful life. Their results: Not having close friends is as detrimental to your health as smoking.
    Friendship is a major source for power-and it's a renewable source. There's even more power in gatherings of women. We share the stories of our lives, and we learn from each other's experiences. We talk about books and music and politics, and out of these conversations, we change the world. Women have listened to each other's stories and built battered women's shelters. We demanded the police and the courts treat domestic violence as a crime and not as a private matter. All this was derived from women talking, tending and befriending.
    For women, friendship is grounded in the art of conversation and we are good at that. We are masters of conversation..real conversations.really hard conversations. Active listening, asking questions, leaving time for answers, watching for nonverbal cues, being sensitive to pauses and to sighs. There are men who can do this and we acknowledge them, but we know that it is a natural, inherent skill of women. Anita Diamant reminds us, "The strength, wisdom, and power of women's conversations have always been underestimated, even by ourselves. Remember: Women do change the world. Everyday."
    So how do we make the leap from just having lunch with each other to being a powerful force in the world? With our friends-supporting each other, talking to one another, being sisters, challenging one another, talking and sharing, being together-we can change the world. We can make it a brighter, sweeter, and a less stressful place when we all decide to tend and befriend each other.
    I hope that all your true friendships will last a lifetime. But you may also want to develop new friends. New friendships give you a chance to start over. Starting a new friendship is a way of saying yes to life, of becoming more human. It is always possible to make new friends. It may take more time and effort at this point in our lives because there are so many more stories to tell. However, it's always available to us, and it's always worth it.
    Think of one new friendship you would like to nurture and grow. Make a commitment to move this forward.

We want to hear your story!
We all have Amazing Women in our lives; women who have been there to help us on our path. We want to publish your story detailing an Amazing Woman in your life Friends and Family issue next month. Please write or email us your story; it could be published in next month's issue! Hurry, letters/emails need to be received by Thursday, November 16. Mail to PO Box 22521, HHI, SC 29925 or
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Dr. Kathy Murphy leads successful women's retreats for personal growth at beautiful resort/spa destinations throughout the nation.
www.kathymurphyphd.com.

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