September 2019 Issue
I got totally drunk on a cruise excursion (rum punch). Came back to the ship and broke the card scanner machine. Our 12-year-old daughter never got over her mortification!
I just came back from Europe traveling with a small group, and for some reason I was put on stand-by status. I didn’t know if I’d get to leave Germany! I was then assigned a seat but someone else had the same seat, so I ended up in the front of the plane in the “better” section—wined and dined!
An embarrassing incident occurred when a bus driver would not allow me to get on the bus for a tourist excursion. He thought I was a “native” trying to get a ride into town. Jamaica—hmmm.
I did massage in Los Angeles for 20 years. One time I was referred to a woman in Beverly Hills who was on the phone when I arrived. She had lots of Michael Jackson pictures and gold records on her hallway walls. I said, ‘You sure do like M.J.’ She said, ‘Oh, he is my boss; he’s in Japan right now. I was on the phone with him when you came in.’ OMG!
While on a four-night girls’ cruise, my 35-year-old nieces and I “wowed” a crowd in the ship’s Karaoke bar with our singing/dancing rendition of “September” by Earth Wind & Fire. For two days afterwards we were Karaoke legends.
I was freezing in St. Petersburg, Russia in the month of May with snow, sleet and 40-mph winds. But the vodka kept us warm!
I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro two years ago with 14 intrepid women, ages 54 to 67. I was a month shy of my 63rd birthday. We all made it to the summit; there were lots of tears and hugs!
A tourist was in Sea Pines Plantation and asked if he could drive across to Beaufort. I am sorry, but you can swim across the ocean if you want.
I walked out of our vacation rental forgetting I had a bra on and not my swimsuit top!
I was called to meet with security on a cruise. I had too much to drink the night before, got angry with a bartender (who had a terrible attitude) and threw a glass of water in his face. Security told me if I misbehaved anymore they would put me off the boat at the next port. Believe me, I behaved after that! They were serious and very scary.
I got locked in a store in New York City one time. They sold fake purses! The cops were coming for them…
Trying to catch the frog while on vacation: I opened the toilet lid and there it was, looking at me. It got very mad each time I flushed, saving itself by disappearing up under the rim. Three days later, something like a muddy gray creature was lying on the floor. I got a paper towel and lo’ and behold, it moved! I threw to towel outside, and the frog jumped away. We all got so tickled!
I went on a cruise to celebrate my 30th birthday with my mom. We were both new cruisers and when we got back we couldn't find my second piece of luggage in the port terminal. That's when the security guard walked up and asked gruffly if the luggage he had was mine. It was. He then proceeded to tell me I had to go with him to customs security because the drug dog hit on my bag! Needless to say they scared the **** out of me, since my bag had been outside my door and unlocked all night. Turns out my bag was apparently beside another one that did have drugs in it and picked up the scent; I was in the clear. Scariest moment ever!
When I was a pre-teen, my friend and I went for a walk on the beach. About 30 minutes into the walk, we decided we would walk to the end of the island as far as the beach would go. Literally, five hours later we showed up at the beach house where all the adults were in panic mode because we had been “missing” for so long. In addition, we were blistered from the sun—literal water blisters bubbling up on our cheeks and noses. My mother was so mad, she was glad we were in pain.
I was driving behind a tourist family with New York plates approaching a traffic circle. Of course they came to a complete stop when they needed to only yield and merge. I sat patiently behind them for probably two or three full minutes, and then it happened: They turned left!
Somehow I ended up redecorating our taxi driver’s house in Cozumel while his wife gave my son a haircut. Obviously this was not a ship-sponsored excursion. I think it was sponsored by Tequila.
I went to grab lunch one day and came across a tourist trying to take a photo of his 3-year- old with an alligator laying on the bank. He "placed" the kid about 4-feet away and then backed away to take the photo. I proceeded to light him a new one, informing him the gator could've taken his child in seconds.
My husband's wallet was taken by a pickpocket in Greece. Boy, was he in for a surprise! My husband took him down; I ripped his shirt and took his messenger bag!
On New Years Eve in Ft. Lauderdale, my husband and I started drinking margaritas before lunch. By 3:00 pm I had drank so many, my lips had turned white. I passed out soon after that, and when I awoke, I was too hungover to attend the New Years Eve party we went to Ft. Lauderdale for in the first place.
What are you most looking forward to this fall?
42% Cooler Weather
20% The Holidays
14% The Tourist Exodus
7% Pumpkin Everything
5% Breaking Out the Boots