Phoebe Jayne's Guide to Online Dating

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Meet Phoebe Jayne, Online Dating Guru:
I was an executive recruiter for almost 20 years, assisting clients in finding the perfect employee and candidates in finding the perfect job. Literally, I was a professional matchmaker, just on a corporate level. With all that experience of good fit and right match, I, Phoebe Jayne, have taken my tried and true career principles and put them to the test of online dating. Voila! Applying my recruiting techniques has proven to be an incredible (and successful) model to follow.

I have been an online dating consultant for two years. Of course I started by using myself as a test candidate; I had to see if my theory was on track. I kept accurate notes, timelines, research and charts. And, even with all that stuff that sounds a lot like work, I had fun in the process!

Have you been considering online dating? I won’t say it’s for everyone, but it has worked for me, as well as many women I know.  Follow me over the next three months here in Pink as I mentor Elizabeth Millen, Pink’s Publisher, in online dating. We’re here to show you how it’s done and try to give you pointers on making it safe and fun in the process.
Getting Started: Is online dating right for you?

You can wish and pray to date someone, but wishing and praying needs to be accompanied by action. The fact is online dating is the most popular way to meet people today. Basically, once out of college, it’s tough to meet and date. Perhaps, you might meet someone at your workplace if you’re lucky.

However, most women work in fields heavily dominated by women, which equates to high competition in the supply and demand pool. It is also possible to meet someone through an introduction from a friend, but again, you have to put yourself out there. And then there is the traditional advice for meeting that someone special we have all heard:  
> Tell friends and neighbors you are looking for someone to date.
> Join clubs or activities of interest.
> Go to weddings.
> Hang out in the produce sections of supermarkets.
> Get a big dog and go to the dog park. Strike up a
conversation with men with dogs.
> Go out alone to events and strike up a conversation.
> Attend reunions.  
> Join and attend a church.
> Ask for directions.
> Smile more at the gym.

For those who none of these suggestions have been fruitful, it’s time to consider joining the millions who have found connecting through online dating sites fun and successful. Life is busy and filled with distractions—career, family obligations, friends, laundry, aging parents, curve balls, etc.—so putting a dating plan together can be low on the priority list. Let me help you navigate through the online dating process.

In the 1980s newspapers started publishing personal ads to help the busy person meet others faster. With today’s technology, online dating is the modern form of personal ads. It provides a controlled environment to get to know others who are also looking to connect.

If you are curious and have never attempted online dating, or if you have been unsuccessful in finding “Mr. or Ms. Right For Now” the following may be helpful:
> First…Answer the following questions…truthfully:
> Are you ready to date? Do you have all your ducks in a row, meaning are you free to date and ready to meet new people without tears regarding past loves or recent negative events?
> Do you have a goal? Is it casual dating, serious relationship, or marriage?
> Are you ready to commit and invest time to online dating? To be successful you will need to devote time to this project.
> Can you take rejection?
> Are you ready to post your photos and promote yourself?
If you answered yes to all the above questions, lets get started.

PICK YOUR SITE
Before you sign up for any site, do your homework. Research online dating sites to get the scoop on different ones and decide what seems to fit you. There are specific sites for different age groups, religions, and specific professions. Other sites are fall into the general category but have filters to make sure only your preferences are sent to you. I suggest picking two you find interesting.

Here are a few examples:
> General: Match.com, Zoosk, POF, eHarmony
> Religious sites: Christian Mingle, Catholic Match, J-date
> Over 50: Our Time
> Profession: Farmers Only, Elite Singles

SMILE… Lets talk PHOTOS:
Take or select at least three photos which best represent you. I suggest two close ups and one full shot.  Current photos are a must and please nothing photoshopped. You want your date to recognize you as you are today. If you are into golf or tennis, consider using a couple action shots. Travel? Have a picture of you at favorite (recent!) visited spot in the background. Pets? Absolutely, but have them with you not just a picture of them. You can have a picture of you with your family but I’d shy away from putting your children or grandchildren in the spotlight.

YOUR STORY:
Each site will have a fill in the blank portion asking for your profile. These are usually basic snapshot questions (height, astrological sign, degree, etc.)  They all want your story and some will ask what type of person you are looking for.

As you start to describe yourself be careful with your words. A short paragraph or two is sufficient. Don’t give a full life story. Your profile should reflect who you are today and what you are interested in. Be full of positive words, make it fun with future speak.

You’ll want to visit your profile every week and change it up by adding or removing certain comments. Keep it fun and interesting. Avoid hidden meaning words that would refer to sex. You don’t want your admirers to think all you want is to get laid. Adding a favorite quote is also a fun way to show who you are, or even a short poem. Add things that interest you, or things you would be interested in a partner.
Examples:
> A visit to all the national parks of the Northwest is high on my bucket list.
> If you’re an early riser I’m always looking for someone to walk the beach at sunrise.
> If you like to hang out in the kitchen the position of sous chef is open.
> Looking for someone spiritual to go on meditation retreats with.
> Looking for a healthy active partner, who enjoys cycling, hiking and golfing. Couch potatoes need not apply.
> Antiquing, flea markets and Sunday afternoon rides through the countryside are where you’ll find me.


Enter Elizabeth (A/K/A the guinea pig):
After a three-year courtship, which turned into 25 years of marriage, I am single. Sometimes I find it hypocritical to get out of relationship just to seek another. What makes me think another one will be any better? Nonetheless, I find the desire to have a man in my life is something I’ve thoughtfully considered and something I would like to have again.

Of course, friends have encouraged me to give online dating a try. I didn’t do it for a few reasons: 1. My divorce wasn’t final. It is now. 2. I needed time to heal. I didn’t feel it wise to jump right back into an arena where I had failed without working through the tsunami of emotions that came with separation and divorce. I was a broken person and quite frankly, just wasn’t ready. Finding someone else would have definitely eased the pain and been the easy way out. It would have been comforting to feel wanted during a time when I felt thrown away, but I took the route of going to counseling once a week for 16 months (and still going strong) to deeply process the quagmire of divorce and the destruction of a family. (I promise I will write about all of this eventually.)

So here I am sitting on the edge of a whole new world, where the possibilities are endless. And, boy do I have plans. So far none of them include a love interest, but I figure, after consulting numerous friends, I will dip my toe in the online world of window-shopping for a man. However, I have recruited Pheobe Jayne, a long-time, dear friend and online dating guru, as my mentor. Basically, I’m in online dating boot camp with homework and all. She has told me the ups and downs of this game and what to look out for and is teaching me how to play this game to win.

The Plan: Pheobe Jayne is taking me under her wing for three months. She will share tips and suggestions based on her experiences and her very brass tacks approach to online dating.  My part in this is to be the “stool pigeon.” I’m the one who does the homework and actively seeks a date. I don’t know how well I will do. Pheobe Jayne says to be successful at online dating, one needs to approach this as a job. Well, I already have a job, with not much time to spare. But I’m going to give it a whirl and we shall see what unfolds.

I have a few guidelines I have set for myself, in addition to Pheobe Jayne’s advice:
> Thou shall not seek in desperation. I’m doing just fine on my own, so I can be picky.
> On being picky: I have put together a list of what I want and what I don’t want in a man. That probably sounds arrogant but I encourage anyone who is single —woman or man—to do the same. Technically, we do it with most things. You put a list together to go to the grocery store. Why? Because you know what you want. You have an idea of what you want when you go to buy a new car. You know if you want a car, SUV or truck. You know if you want two doors or four. You know there are certain brands you’re not even willing to look at. You know the basic amenities you need—must have Bluetooth, back up camera, heated seats, navigation, etc. You know which ones are deal breakers—heated seats I can live without, but it must have Bluetooth capabilities.

Well, that’s the kind of thing I have done in thinking about a significant other. I put my list together. (No eye rolls here, please.) The list is long but I’m not unreasonable. I went back and paired it down. I circled the top three things that are a must. For me, they are funny, attractive (meaning I’m attracted to them) and they must believe in God.

This exercise was eye-opening. There were things on the list that were no-brainers such as be loving, ambitious and not angry or volatile. Must enjoy wine was on the list. Then I thought, no they really don’t have to. But after more thought, I realized it is important because I love wine—not in the way of I drink a glass of whatever wine daily, but in the way of I love the industry of wine—as in trying new ones, tastings, going to wine country, going on wine cruises and learning about wines. My best friends are also into wine. We have entire weekends where we open bottle after bottle of fabulous wines and most of the conversation is about it. So after much thought, it is important Mr. Soon-To-Be enjoys wine. Why? Because I don’t want to take someone with me to all these “wine” things and feel they’re are bored and wondering how much longer. This evokes low energy that feels heavy and puts a damper on things. I don’t want to have to beg to do things I love to do. So after much thought, Mr. STB needs to like wine. See how thinking things through just makes sense?

All of this I’ve done without logging onto a date site once. My homework now is:
> Decide the date sites I want to sign up on. Pheobe Jayne recommends choosing two to three sites.
> Start putting my profile together. What do I want to put out there to draw interest?
> Picking the photos I want to share, or have some taken. She says there should be one full body shot (that’s just great) and two headshots. All of the pictures need to be current, as in the last 30 days—not 30 years. The goal is for someone to be able to recognize you from your picture and not think you sent your mother in your place.

By the time you read my next entry, I will have signed up and hopefully been “winked” at a time or two. This should be interesting. While I never go into anything expecting to fail, my thoughts can’t seem to get beyond “just looking” status. We shall see. My favorite part is sharing the experience with you. You know what they say? When you least expect it, expect it.

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Look for the next installment, “Managing your profile, Deflecting the Scams and Online Predators,” in the March issue of Pink.

If you have specific questions about any of the above, feel free to email your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. In addition, Phoebe Jayne is currently gathering testimonials for her upcoming online dating workbook and would love to hear your experiences.

 

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 INSTALLMENT TWO

Meet Phoebe Jayne Your Heart Coach and Online Dating Consultant:
I’m hoping by now, you have selected at least one online dating site, uploaded your recent photos, written your profile and selected a username you are comfortable with. I suggest a variant of your name, not your real name. Strap in…the fun is about to begin!

Think about online dating as a project. As you have fun looking at the different profiles, you must develop an investigative approach for safety. Think about this as a fantasy. Nothing is real; don’t take anything too personally. You need to be smart to keep yourself safe.

MANAGING YOUR PROFILE:
Checking your online dating site profile every day. Block off at least 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening to respond to messages.

Each week review your profile and your photos. You need to keeping your profile fresh, possibly changing a sentence or two.  Adding a new quote or a new photo keeps it relevant and interesting. It gives your viewers something new to look at.

Activity will come from many directions.

The site will promote you as a new member, which active members, who cruise the site, will see you, too and more than likely approach you in some form. So now it’s time to develop your online dating communication style.

MESSAGES and COMMUNICATION
MESSAGES:  Read messages carefully.  Before answering anyone check out their profile and read it all the way through. If they meet your preferences, answer accordingly.  Make your response short, asking them a question or two. This will help you gage their interest and honesty. How quickly do they respond? Did they answer your questions?

Examples: 1) You may receive a quick introduction message asking you how you like your coffee. You might answer by stating your preference, then asking them something referencing a point or two from their profile. 2) Someone may say they like your profile but are not specific. A good response to this may be, “You like my profile. Thank you. What exactly did you like?  3) “You might see a photo of one of your admirers with a dog. Ask, “I notice you have a photo with a dog…yours? Looks like a Lab mix?” Again make your questions short and specific. Timeliness and truthfulness is what you are looking for at this point.

VIEWED YOUR PROFILE/WANTS TO MEET YOU: Some sites will indicate who has viewed you or wants to meet you. In this case, check out each profile who has viewed you or wants to meet you. If they meet your preferences, reach out to them. “Thank you for viewing my profile,” ask them a question and wait. Don’t be shy. Remember this is a dating site and you want to date. You have to be proactive and reach out, as well. If someone really looks interesting, ask about something on his/her profile, send a flirt emoji or wink. This doesn’t mean to be overly sexy in your approach. Be subtle, yet flirty. Again, you are trying to date.

HOW TO FLIRT: There are tons of examples on the Internet. You want to develop a style that is comfortable to you. Everyone who is legitimately on the site likes a compliment or two, enjoys someone being interested in them, and what they the think about life, travel or a common interest.

NO MESSAGES. No worries. Now its your turn to cruise the site and reach out. It’s all a numbers game. To get one response back you will need to reach out to at least 4 to 6 perspectives.
A Flower Within The Weeds: Once you have weeded through the “unacceptables, the scams (read on) and the no-ways, it is time to communicate and develop conversation. Constantly being aware of timeliness and mutual interests. Eventually, you will be asked to meet.

Spotting Scams and Online Predators
I don’t want to scare or discourage you, but the fact remains dishonest people are out there—both men and women.

According to www.truthfinder.com
> 10% of sex offenders use online dating sites
> 3% of online daters are psychopaths
> 51% of online daters are already in a relationship
> 10% of members on free dating websites are scammers

Online predators have evolved. Their skills are being perfected on a daily basis, and sometimes it can be quite hard to spot an online predator hiding behind an innocent-looking profile.

Considering these stats, the grim reality is that if you date online, you’re likely to run into a few freaky fish before you find a good catch.

Remember the only thing you know about these folks at this point which is true is they have a computer. And that’s it!

Read profiles carefully: How do they communicate? Do they write in all caps or nonsensical sentences?

What are their hobbies and activities? Does their profile picture look a little too good to be true? Prepare to be disappointed; a staggering 81 percent of people lie on their online profile!
Lots of ‘I’ or ‘Me’ statements can indicate narcissism, as can someone who refers to themselves as good looking.

Steer clear of anyone who says they “don’t want any drama” or claim they’re “not a game player.”

These statements are a red flag that the opposite is probably true.

Watch out for small or blurry photographs, or a user who only has one profile image.

Stay away from any language that can be immediately identified as possessive or domineering. “I need” or “I won’t tolerate” are giant no-no’s, as is a long list of demands for a potential suitor.

SPOTTING SCAMS: Remember the old saying… “If something looks too good to be true, it is not true. If a man falls instantly in love with you, it’s a scam.

> If someone says they are going off the site and wants to communicate with you directly, then asks for your email and phone number, or gives you their’s, it’s a scam.

> If they say a friend of theirs is shy and doesn’t use computers and asks that you contact them directly through their email or phone, it’s a scam.  

> If they send you a long message about how wonderful they think you are without being specific, and they want to immediately meet, it’s a scam.

> If they jump into sexual euphemisms right away or ask for/send risque photos—abort!

> If they ask for money, dip out immediately and block. You’re most likely talking to a scammer. No matter what sob story they cook up to justify it, no decent person will ask you for cash before you’ve even met.

> DO NOT communicate with anyone outside the safe text and email system, which is set up through the online dating site.

> It should go without saying, but don’t give your full name too soon. Be vague about your profession, place of employment, birthplace, etc. Do not give your home address too soon. If you’re nervous about giving your phone number, use a free messaging app, or get a prepaid phone to communicate outside the dating site. Use a nondescript email address created just for your online dating profiles.

SEX: There are some folks online that are just interested in meeting for sex. If their profiles use language with hidden meaning, or focuses on cuddling with multiple references of interest in intimacy and expression of love and little else…ignore them.

Our subconscious is wired to pick up on bad vibes. If your communication triggers a feeling that something isn’t quite right, trust it.  Don’t be stupid. Be safe.

That being said there many legitimate, kind men and women out there just like you, who are interested in meeting someone to date, who is fun and real. Once you have cleared your vision on who is real and who is not, start reaching out to potential dates. Put in just enough time messaging and/or texting so you have a moderate idea of who they are and how they act. If they haven’t asked you out after a week or two, encourage the process with a casual, “Hey, we should meet up sometime.” Own it. Know what you want. And let me tell you, you don’t want a texting buddy. Who has time for that?  You already have enough friends.

Too often, especially after a dating drought, or a difficult breakup, we feel “so lucky” to finally be online with an interested potential date. But you are forgetting: He’s lucky to be communicating with you. Own your awesome, ladies. Believe in what you have to offer.


Enter Elizabeth (A/K/A the guinea pig):
I am sitting on the edge of a whole new world, where the possibilities are endless in the online world of window-shopping for a man. I am a month into online dating boot camp, and I have been winked at, messaged, liked and favored.  As much as I hesitated to actually get online, it’s official: I’m on three dating sites.

As you know, Phoebe Jayne is taking me under her wing for three months, and she thinks I’m doing well. Thus far, I have not met anyone in person but I’m getting close. I am actively talking to three very nice men, but let me tell you what it took to get to this point.

1) Online dating is like a can of mixed nuts, without the less-than-50-percent-peanuts guarantee. You really have to pick through for the good ones…like the pecans. And, there are very few pecans. It would be wonderful if there were sites with only pecans, but no such luck.

2) One of my issues is being too polite. This is one place where you truly don’t have to be polite because there are built in safety systems within the site. If a man messages you, and you’re not interested, you don’t have to message him back. Phoebe Jayne says, “Just delete them. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.”

3) I have learned we live in a narrow world. I never knew that approximately 92 percent of men (my best guess) on dating sites have pictures of themselves holding up fish, even little fish. They are like cats that bring snakes and birds to your doorstep. “Look what I caught for ya, little darling!” Also, almost every man claims he’s athletic, loves doing anything outdoors and wants to travel. Really, because the sofa and television market is kind of booming. I actually had respect for one dude who stated, “I am a big man over 300 pounds.” I also cracked up at the guy who made it clear he does not eat Tide Pods. Bless.

4) Pictures are a big deal. They are your curb appeal. No one wants to go inside the Addam’s family house. It’s creepy. The same theory applies here. I quickly learned to inspect the background of photos, as much, if not more, than the guys’ looks. Here are a few major turnoffs for me. Perhaps they will be for you, too:
> If there is a commode in the picture, I pass. I have seen urinals and a variety of toilets—seats up, seats down, top off the back, flushed and unflushed. I’m not even kidding.
> If you are standing in front of a mirror with no shirt on, and I can see the phone in your hand, and did I mention you have no shirt on…next.
> If there is at least one car jacked up on cinder blocks in the yard behind you…Sorry, Charlie.
> If you are in a hotel room. Just ooh.
> If you are standing in front of a mirror with an unmade bed behind you. I’m not your maid.
> If you are dressed like you are ready to mow the lawn. You’re cut.
> If you have a beard that even offends Mrs. Clause. Dash away, please.

I promise I have seen examples of all the above over and over. Men truly amaze me. They will show up to catch fish with the finest rods, pristine boats and enough tackle to catch anything out there, but put no effort into catching a woman.

As of now, I am seriously messaging three men, and open to talk with more. This is unchartered water for me, as I have always had one boyfriend at a time—and only one husband. Two of the messaging conversations have progressed to a meet up, which is in the works. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time. Of course I’m worried about if they will think I look older, fatter, shorter, etc. in person. It’s like once the car is out of the showroom, it looks like the rest on the lot.

The other one—well, I think he broke up with me, but the jury is still out. He basically messaged me to politely tell me he is getting off the site, as it is distractive and getting in the way of his productivity. That I can definitely agree with. However, he said if I wanted to get in touch with him, I could email him via his author’s email address on his website. I have to wonder if he is testing me or dumping me. He could have asked for my email address. He could have given me his. I don’t know where it went bad, maybe it didn’t. Perhaps I’m reading into it. Nonetheless, there are plenty more, but I liked the way his jeans fit him. They weren’t baggy, nor were they skinny jeans. They were kind of just right.

Phoebe Jayne has tightened her reign on me. I had one bad experience, which was my fault. This was before I could spot scams, which I’m getting better at everyday. I was messaging with a nice, very handsome man (according to his pictures), and after about a week of messaging within the system, he used the line he was getting off the dating site and asked if we could continue the conversation outside the dating system. I sent him my cell number. He texted me for a few days and then wanted to talk. So I picked up the phone and called him. It was obvious he was not the man in the two pictures he had posted. I ended the call politely and immediately called Phoebe Jayne. Her words: “Abort! Abort!” Which meant block the number, and don’t do that again.

It’s definitely a new experience, which, I’m enjoying, though, there have been times when I felt bummed out. I would message someone and they didn’t message back, or it just felt like no one was a good fit for me. However, almost every time you shake that can of nuts, a pecan almost always shows up. That’s what I’m counting on…finding a pecan in this crazy game of mixed nuts.

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Stay active and committed. There is no need to be scared as long as you are smart. I only wish online dating had been around years ago! Tune in next month for advice on The Meet Up. In the mean time, have fun!

If you have specific questions about any of the above, feel free to email your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. In addition, Phoebe Jayne is currently gathering testimonials for her upcoming online dating workbook and would love to hear your experiences.

 

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INSTALLMENT THREE

Thanks to many Pink readers, questions have been pouring in and most are regarding the first meet up. The meet up should not be just a date, but about making a connection and getting the second date.

Once you have communicated within the dating site, feel confident your connection is not a scam, try to get a last name. Then you can google him/her before your meet up. Don’t give your full name too soon. Be vague about your profession, place of employment, birthplace, etc. Do not give your home address too soon either. Do not go to his house too soon. Use the buddy system. Tell a friend when and where you will be meeting, and text them when you arrive home safe and door locked. Now lets go out there and have fun.

Essentials
Meeting: I suggest daytime hours. Meeting for coffee is best. If after work hours work best for you, an early happy hour for a glass of wine is OK, too. But make sure it’s only one drink and no more. The first date should be in a risk-free, easy to leave environment.

What to Wear: Don’t let your first date attire ruin your chances for a second date. What you wear is a perfect opportunity to present who you are before you say a word. Consider the weather, location and time of day. Don’t try a new trend, or get a costume-like outfit. Stick to your true style. First impressions are quick to be made, and set the tone for the entire date. There is a difference between wanting to look flirty and sexy and leaving nothing to the imagination. A good rule of thumb is to choose one area of your body you want to reveal. An above the knee skirt to show off your legs, a subtle scooped neck blouse to enhance your décolleté, or an off the shoulder sweater to feature a great neckline. Don’t reveal too much. Dress for the occasion, and leave the sloppy clothes at home. Break away from all black. Include a splash of color in your outfit.

Location of Meeting: Pick a familiar place. A coffee shop is a good start. Make sure you visit the establishment prior and have an idea of where you would sit, how much privacy you would have and their hours. Remember good parking, seating and privacy help make the meeting smooth.

Be On Time/Put your Phone away: Get to the location early enough to make sure you are not rushing in…and for sure, turn your phone off and put it away.

Length of Meeting: Plan on an hour. Then plan to exit. You be the one to end the conversation first.

The Bill: Always go “Dutch” on the first date.

Profile: Before the “meet up” re-read your profile, and for sure, re-read his/hers.

Conversation:  You need to talk about serious topics when you are dating, but on the first date it’s important to keep the conversation pleasant and positive. That’s why reading his/her profile is important. Ask about their passions/hobbies. Avoid subjects on religion, politics, or money. Don’t try to be anything other than yourself. If you have been honest on your profile, it’s you that has brought him/her out on this date, and it’s you he/she wants to get to know.

Be yourself. Don’t tell little white lies to make yourself more fascinating. This doesn’t mean you need to tell everything, maintain some mystery. If you are interested in a second date don’t reveal everything in the first one.

No Boo Hoos: Avoid talking about previous relationships, problems with your boss, or workplace, or troubles with your family.

Don’t Drink too Much: If you are meeting for a drink, only have one. Even if your meeting lasts longer than your drink, switch to a non-alcoholic beverage.

Be a Good Listener: During your conversation don’t be thinking about the next thing you want to say. Ask him/her a question to expand on what he just told you. This lets him/her know you are paying attention and you are interested. Try to keep the listening/talking ratio as close to a 50/50 split as you can.

Finding the Chemistry: Being compatible isn’t always enough. I think you can usually tell within a few minutes if there might be chemistry, but to find out for sure, probe a little with some questions. Yes, you have to keep things pleasant but that doesn’t mean you need to avoid meaningful conversation. You could start with questions like, “What things make you happiest?” “What do you love about your work”, or “ What are the most important things in your life?”

Positive Body Language: If you want a second date show encouraging body language. Sit close, lean in a little when he /she talks, make good eye contact and SMILE.

SEX:  If the chemistry is right, sparks may be flying. You may be tempted to make that first date a sleepover. It’s not the end of the world if it happens, but if you are really interested in him/her rein in your libido and date smart. Get to know him/her better before you hit the sack. Waiting is great foreplay, gives you confidence and boosts your self-esteem, plus sex too soon clouds judgement.
When it happens, the No. 1 rule is ALWAYS USE PROTECTED SEX, no exceptions.  Stop at the drug store and pick up a travel packet of condoms and keep them in your purse. Men should never leave home without them.

Ask for a SECOND Date: If you are interested in a second date, don’t be shy. Ask for one. You might say “I had a really nice time, and I’d like to continue the conversation.” Be fearless. If rejection is coming, it’s coming, but if you feel a spark, it’s likely he/she does, too.

Follow Up:  If you had a good experience with your first date and don’t feel comfortable asking for a second, at least follow up with a text saying how much you enjoyed the meeting.

First dates can be awkward, but if you have had a few conversations prior to the meeting, feel comfortable on the phone, have googled him/her and feel certain it is not a scam, and follow the above tips, you have a good chance it will be a nice meeting whether it goes to a second date or not.

Technology-Dating and Social Media tips:  With the environment of instant messaging try to keep a sense of mystery. Remember the old saying, “You always want something you don’t have.”
Don’t make yourself so available. Never answer texting immediately. Periodically go dark for a couple of days. Read your messages but don’t answer right away.

You might even turn off your location GPS on your phone. If you are on Match.com you know what I’m talking about. Match.com is one of the highest technological sites. It uses your location to alert that other match.com members are near by, using pop ups of who is currently crossing your path. Kind of creepy, but it’s where we are headed.

KEEP Your Self Esteem intact: Once you have a second date and you start a relationship, keep your self-esteem in check. If your date makes you feel foolish, or puts you down, do not continue no matter how good other things are going! You are worthy of more, even though you may not think so. Hold out for someone who lifts you up rather than putting you down.  

Ghosting: Once in a relationship your partner may just disappear without any explanation. This is called ghosting. Better not to pursue. The pain of not knowing why is usually easier to accept than knowing why the abrupt departure happened. Just move on. Continuing to search for the reason by calling, stalking, or texting will waste your time and block your view from the next relationship.

Complaints: The most complaints about first meet ups have to do with deception. The No. 1 complaint is the person looked nothing like his/her online photos. They were older, heavier, or less agile.

One reader said her date came in with a walker and looked ten years older than his online photo. Another stated her date had visible scaring on his face and head, yet his on-line photos showed nothing. A man said his first date had to have been 50 pounds heavier than her photos. Another looked so different because his hair was long in person, yet the photo showed super short hair. The difference was so much she passed him at the coffee shop and didn’t recognize him. Another complaint was dress. One woman said her date looked like he just came from washing his car. One businesswoman, who scheduled a coffee meeting on her lunch hour, said her date came dressed in sweaty gym clothes and he said he just came from a work out. Yuck!

I can’t stress enough to use up-to-date photos on your profile. For the first meet up, dress appropriately, and use good hygiene. You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

How long to stay online dating? Give yourself a full year. In a year, even if you haven’t met Mr. or Ms. Right, you should have an inventory of dateable prospects. Then take a break, removing yourself from the sites, and making sure they do not have permission to use you in their advertising. Revisit three to six months later.

Dating is work, navigating the sites, keeping your profile fresh, corresponding, weeding out the scams and losers. BUT don’t miss out on something that could be amazing just because it may also be difficult.

Compatibility and companionship should be the ultimate goal, but never forget the person you must be happiest with is yourself.



Enter Elizabeth (A/K/A the guinea pig):
I am two months into online dating boot camp, and you’re not going to believe it: I met a man I really like. We have been on three dates with a fourth scheduled for this weekend. As much as I promised Phoebe Jayne not to put all my eggs in one basket, I haven’t checked my online dating sites since my first date with…I will call him Mr. Pecan.
If you recall, last month I wrote: “Online dating is like a can of mixed nuts, without the less-than-50-percent-peanuts guarantee. You really have to pick through for the good ones…like the pecans. And, there are very few pecans.”

Guess what? I found a pecan!

Mr. Pecan is from my hometown of Columbia, SC. He is two years older than me and a true Southern gentleman. Our first date was at the Hilton Head Wine and Food festival Grand Tasting, (Great news! He knows wine.) where I broke Phoebe Jayne’s rule of having only one drink. For heaven’s sake, it was the Grand Tasting, and one never knows exactly how many glasses of wine those little, delicious tastes equal. We pretty much hit it off immediately. It felt like I’ve known him all my life—probably because we were raised similarly and have many friends in common. (Why did no one think to set us up?)

He met a ton of my friends at the Grand Tasting, and afterwards we went to dinner and then met more friends at Porter & Pig to watch The Chiggers—my favorite local band! (Be sure to read about Jennifer, the lead singer, on page 24.) Mr. Pecan was game for hanging out with my friends, and again, he fit right in. He is personable, kind, thoughtful and funny. Who doesn’t want to hang out with someone like that?

The next morning, I held my annual Wine Fest Pre-game Breakfast Party with around 16 guests. Mr. Pecan arrived with all the fixings for Bloody Marys. He helped in the kitchen some, talked to everyone and had no need to cling to me. In other words, Mr. Pecan knows how to socialize, converse and accommodate—dreamboat! Not to mention he is handsome and tall—very tall—and funny.

While all of this sounds wonderful—and it is so far—there have been a few “side-effects” I didn’t expect. Wine Fest weekend has been a big event for me for years. Lots of friends come to town, many stay at my house, the big breakfast party—it’s just one of my favorite times of the year. Needless to say, on Sunday afternoon, when all my friends had left, including Mr. Pecan, I felt a little empty. Normal after an exciting weekend, but this was more. I got kind of sad…and scared.

I realized I had shut and sealed the door on needing or wanting a man in my life. It dawned on me how independent I have become. Girl Power! I orchestrate my days, how I spend my time. I decide single-mindedly the who, what, when and where in my life. I do this to shield myself from being vulnerable. I do this to never again have to go through what I went through last year—no more sitting duck.

I don’t know what I thought online dating would be like. I think I didn’t allow my mind to wander that far. Perhaps it just meant I would have a date to the Heart Ball next year, or someone to get a drink with on Friday night. However, that Sunday afternoon, as I lay down on the sofa, insecurities I was sure I had bagged up and thrown away came flooding back.

I wondered if Mr. Pecan liked me. Would he call? Text? Will it be like college when a guy said he would call and two weeks go by? I thought of all the reasons why he may not. I wondered if I said the right things. I questioned if I had “played the game” correctly. (I am not a game player) Did I seem too into him? Or, maybe I was too aloof? I can be that way some times. I felt like a teenager. Doubt sliced through my airtight shut door like a chainsaw. What is all this? Why did I open myself up to this again? I am going to get hurt. I am setting myself up for disappointment. ALL these emotions raged through my mind.

A few deep breaths, and I regained my discernment. A few minutes later, a text. Mr. Pecan. I do what I do best in my unwillingness to play games: I tell him my thoughts. He responds: “To find love you have to have a willing and vulnerable heart.” I take in a deep breath of relief. He is right. He understands.

He then adds, “You can quote me on that.” I laugh. This dating stuff may be nuts, but when you find a pecan, it’s definitely worth at least opening the can.

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If you have specific questions about any of the above, feel free to email your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
In addition, Phoebe Jayne is currently gathering testimonials for her upcoming online dating workbook and would love to hear your experiences.

References: www.eharmony.com, www.yourtango.com, www.stylecaster.com

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INSTALLMENT 4 - THE FINALE 

As a postscript to the three-part series on online dating, I thought I’d begin with one of my favorite poems:

Never give all the Hear 
By William Butler Yeats

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

If you are out there dating, in addition to always practicing safe sex, protect that heart of yours. Here is a review, some lessons learned and a few tips from other dating gurus:

Being a little retro doesn’t hurt. I have to admit that I struggled with this recommendation. I fully embrace 21st century female independence, (Do I even need to say that?) so when multiple dating experts suggested letting the guy set the first date, the feminist in me recoiled. No, forget the feminist: I recoiled. After reading enough, I realized it’s not about surrendering your power, but about knowing how men’s minds work (not to generalize or anything). “It’s not that men want a woman as a doormat, they just want to play their role as men, as protectors and providers,” says Lisa Copeland, dating coach. That’s not to say you have to be totally silent online; go ahead and reach out to people who interest you. “If you just put your profile online and wait around for someone to message you, you’re not being proactive in your dating life,” says Laurie Davis, founder of eFlirt. But after getting in touch, let him ask for your number, or make plans to meet up for drinks.

Know Who You Are and Embrace it: It should be obvious, but we all forget this: Changing yourself to match the likes of someone who looks really good on paper is only going to backfire. The most important rule of dating is owning who you are, which is admittedly easier said than done. If you are not comfortable with yourself, it’s going to be hard to be in a relationship, and even harder for someone else to be comfortable with you. Knowing what you want and what you don’t want out of a relationship helps, too, but, as always, when in doubt, trust your gut. Never waste your time on someone who isn’t confident or available to you. If something really doesn’t feel right, love yourself enough to know that you deserve better and move on.

It’s All About Diversifying: There is a big difference between dating and being in a relationship, and if you are not in a committed exclusive partnership, it’s OK to date more than one person. “Everyone dates multiple people. You need to take advantage of every opportunity, and there are going to be multiple opportunities,” says Davis. It’s not just about keeping up with other daters; it’s a way to slow down your emotional pace with a new person. The other person is probably dating other people, and if you’re not, you’re already putting more effort into the relationship than the other person is ready to commit to. And well, we all know how awful it feels to be in a one-sided relationship. Plus, going on multiple dates, with multiple men, is incredibly empowering. Instead of constantly checking your cell for messages from that one contact, you get to choose who stays in your life and who doesn’t.

Give Up Height Requirements and Other Similarities to Previous Partners: We all have a type, but if you keep ending up with the same heartbreaking results maybe its time to broaden your search criteria. We always think certain qualities will make us happy, but it’s a how a person makes you feel when you are together, and when you are not, that makes a good match. Try wiping your slate clean and get rid of any preconceived notions of who your mister perfect is.

Remember to Keep Your Profiles Short, Up-To- Date and Proactive: Refresh your profiles every week or so, and upload different pictures. Men are visual and like to imagine themselves in someone’s life. End your profile with an invitation. If you do the Sunday crossword puzzles, try something like, “Let’s spend Sunday brunch mulling over 2 across.”

Don’t give up and have fun out there.

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Enter Elizabeth Millen, PINK Magazine Publisher
(A/K/A the guinea pig):
It was on Bumble, a dating site where women have to message first, but are only allowed to message if both parties have swiped right. As soon as I saw his picture, I knew I would be swiping right. I don’t remember what his profile said. I barely finished reading his specs before I swiped and boom! It was a match. I messaged him immediately and prayed he would message me back. This was the first guy I had seen across three dating sites that felt right—even before he ever responded.

Long story short (most of you read about him last month), I dubbed him Mr. Pecan. Why? Because I had likened online dating to a can of mixed nuts. I stated, “If you shake the can hard enough, you just might find a pecan—my favorite.” Alas, Mr. Pecan and I went on a fast and furious ride of seeing each other—three weekends in a row. It was fun, special, exciting, romantic, comfortable, intellectually stimulating, kind and loving. I enjoyed Mr. Pecan, and he enjoyed me…I think.

What? Is that hesitation? But it all sounds so good. And it was good, except…

Except, perhaps I was too excited. Except, Mr. Pecan and I had different expectations. Except, we never discussed those expectations. Except, I am a communicator (translate as open book) and he is not. Except, Mr. Pecan is dragging around wounds from a previous marriage and a previous long-term relationship, and quite frankly, so am I. Except Mr. Pecan was hot and cold. Except, I didn’t understand cold. And finally, except, I broke almost every rule Phoebe Jayne counseled me on. Can she say, “I told you so?” Yep. Except…she is too gracious for that.

I jumped back into dating feet first, full cannonball. Wheeee! Look at me! Overzealous would be a good word to describe me. I was like the man on the Internet who is colorblind and his family gives him a pair of glasses that allows him to see color; he is so overwrought in seeing so much color at once, his emotions overtake him. That was me. My life became colorful again. I had hope. From affection-starved to dinner being cooked for me, big bear hugs, long phone conversations, belly laughs, long gazes into each other’s eyes and compliments. Somebody pinch me; this can’t be true.
I felt emotions I hadn’t felt in a long time. I allowed the hidden door to the protective brick wall I’ve built around myself to be entered, and I trusted…fully trusted. My femininity came out of hiding; she felt safe. What a feeling! What a long lost, long overdue, wonderful feeling. There is nothing wrong with any of this. In fact, if I am going to have future relationships, I am going to have to allow all of these things to happen again. However, I think I did it all a little too soon with Pecan.

Dating was overwhelming to me. I haven’t had to “wait” on another person in a long time. What do I want to do this weekend? Well, I don’t know, I’ll have to see what Pecan is doing. “I need to reschedule lunch with you, Mr. Pecan is in town.” He wasn’t requiring this of me; I was. This was my first mistake, and one I want you to learn through me instead of making the mistake on your own—SO LISTEN CAREFULLY: Do not put your life on hold for a relationship! You do you, first. He will work around your schedule, and you will never feel like you are giving more, or sacrificing more than him. What I found was I was including him in my life, and he was showing up for that, but he wasn’t including me in his. He knew my children, my friends, but I didn’t know his. It’s no one’s fault, we were simply moving at different paces.

I definitely got ahead of myself. However, this is why I’m not going to beat myself up over it, as if everything I just shared isn't a self-inflicted tongue lashing:
>> As much as being “all in” is overzealous, I would much rather approach life in this manner than being fearful, distrusting, or pessimistic. I couldn’t be who I am without my childlike zest. Every life experience is a lesson, and my goal is to get stronger and wiser, but not harder or tainted. I refuse to live from a place of fear. No matter what, Mr. Pecan is a really good person. Like one of my friends said, “You did great for a first timer (It has been 28 years). Your picker is really good.” That means I know what I want, what I need and what I like, which makes me further ahead than many.

>> Phoebe Jayne said I did a great job of putting myself out there. She called me courageous, which made me feel good. She told me many women won’t even try online dating because they are too afraid. I understand that. For me, online dating is not the scary part, building a relationship is. Before I ever went on the first date with Mr. Pecan, I was scared of messing it up. I had been told no one would ever love me, which I partially believed. My same wise friend suggested a great read: Mars and Venus on a Date by Dr. John Gray. This book is incredible, and I’m on my third reading of it. By the way, I broke most of Dr. Gray’s rules, as well. Nonetheless, this book is essential for any woman trying to get along with and navigate a relationship with a man—single or not. If I had read this a few years ago, I may have been able to save my marriage. And yes, I have recommended the book to both my ex and Mr. Pecan. Why should I be the only one trying to understand this he said/she said stuff? If it were left up to me, I would say women are from Venus and men are from Uranus. Seriously, read the book. I don’t care what planet you’re from.

>>  Mr. Pecan and I are on a break, possibly for life, but more than likely not. My belief is you don’t need a break after only two months, but that’s just me. I don’t know what others need, especially when they don’t tell me. However, my hope is that two months in is still the “butterfly days,” the “you do no wrong days,” the “they say our love can’t pay the rent” days. I would consider a exploring a relationship with Mr. Pecan with one caveat: We communicate better. I honestly don’t have the time, or the heart, to wonder. I want to be enlightened. I want to dwell above the minutia. I want to love fully, and I want that to be reciprocated.

My son’s fifth grade teacher used to say: “Life’s tough. Get a helmet.” And I agree, life is tough, but love doesn’t have to be. I’ve spent my whole life loving people more than they love me, and I am too full of life to only be half loved. It all boils down to two questions I now ask myself almost daily: Question No. 1: What do you want to do with your one wild and precious life? The answer: Love and be loved every opportunity I get. Question No. 2: How good are you willing to let it get? The answer: Very, very good. In fact, magically delicious. What about you?

References: Lauri Davis eFlirt, Lisa Copeland The Winning Dating Formula for Women over 50, Tracey Steinberg, dating coach, www.prevention.com

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If you have specific questions about any of the above, feel free to email your questions to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
In addition, Phoebe Jayne is currently gathering testimonials for her upcoming online dating workbook and would love to hear your experiences.