Hissy Fit - June 2025 - No Remote Chance: Just Flip it Off

June 2025 Issue
by Elizabeth Skenes Millen

 
Two remote controls, a Google Home, a cable box, and a cell phone. That is the equipment needed to turn on the one television in my home. I have to wonder if anyone truly knows how to turn on their television anymore? If your answer is yes, does this mean you have the actual know-how to get the picture and sound on at the same time or did you just luck into it? And, even in your triumph, are you not terrified you may push the wrong button and never find the Hallmark Channel again?

To put things into perspective, there are automobiles that can practically drive themselves down 278 all the way to Alaska, and they only need one key. And, in many cases, that key only needs to be somewhat near you. The car will crank without ever having to actually touch the key. Yet, when it comes to watching TV, it takes an arsenal of remote controls and a smart ass seven-year-old to turn it on.

Who ever thought that remotes outnumbering the television was a good idea? Wouldn’t you like to meet this guy, strap him to a recliner, give him warm beer, push every button on every remote, place the remotes across the room, and make him turn on the television? Of course, the timing would need to be just right to evoke a tad of extra stress—doing it all perhaps three seconds before kickoff.

Several years ago, my children bought me a Google Home for Christmas simply as an aid to turn on the TV—seriously, for no other reason. They were tired of me calling, while they were out with friends, having dinner, or at the movies, to have them walk me through turning on the TV for the hundredth time—and just so you know, I’m pretty tech savvy. Admittedly, Google Home made it somewhat easier to navigate to services such as Netflix and Hulu, as I can now select a movie from the app on my cell phone, and it turns the television on and boots the movie up on the television screen but only when it feels like it. And if it doesn’t feel like it, there are no absolute steps to fix it. You just have to go with its mood.

The other problem with having multiple remote controls is knowing where they are. It’s hard enough to keep up with one, and sometimes one will go missing for a very long time. Of course it’s usually the one that changes the channels. There is no way to find it, either; I mean you can’t call it. Speaking of that, have you had someone call you when you’ve misplaced your cell phone, and then you run around the house trying to hear it? I will even run out to the car to see if it’s in there. We have become quite the society, holding purses up to our ears and sticking our heads into tote bags to listen if the phone is in there. I don’t mean to point out the obvious, but we never lost the telephone when it was hooked to the wall. I will also walk around the house saying, “Hey Siri” until I hear her say “uh-huh” to find the phone. Sometimes, it’s actually in my hand. (Yes, I know therapy is needed.)

Think about how many Americans frantically search under every cushion in the house to find the remote. Millions! I’m sure people are doing it right now. In fact, we are so diligent in looking for the remote, we will search for hours, walking all over the house, even looking in the refrigerator, and then relinquish ourselves to a book if the search is unsuccessful. Correct me if I’m wrong, but can’t you still walk over to the TV and push the “on” button?

Nonetheless, being able to change channels without having to get up is a nice perk. Since the remote was born before my children, they have never had to do without. When I was a child, I was the remote, which took skill. Remember having to dial into the channel just right to get the best picture? If that was still the case today, parents would be very busy changing channels for their children, which is a whole other Hissy Fit in itself.

Is it me, or do significant others handle the remote selfishly? Come to think of it, the divorce rate has risen since the remote control infiltrated our family rooms. I found that my ex had an uncanny ability to flip the station right at the most compelling part of every show. Not to mention watching two shows—or worse yet, two games—at a time, flipping back and forth like a fish out of water. I couldn’t take it any more. I had to either give up TV, my marriage or my wits. Well, I still have my wits! I flipped the other two off.

Here’s a quiz:
(Give yourself 2 points for each yes answer).

1. Do you currently know where every apparatus is that operates your television?

2. Do you know which apparatus actually turns the TV on?

3. Do you know what the video source button is for?

4. Are you familiar with your HTMIs and how many you have?

5. Do you know how to get Netflix on your TV?

6. If someone turned the TV off after watching a DVD, can you navigate back to a show on regular television?

7. Have you watched a show you didn’t want because you were afraid to touch the remote? (If you have answered yes, subtract 3 points—you have no idea what you’re doing.)

8. Did you sit in your chair only to realize the remotes are across the room? (Subtract more points if you have answered yes. It doesn’t matter how many, no one can truly win the remote game, anyway.)

9. Have you cursed at or thrown the remote control within the last five years? (Subtract all your points, you’re angry with a tiny piece of equipment that runs on AA batteries.)

10. Does your TV have a constant static screen and you sit and watch it? (Give up, you don’t have a remote chance in hell.)

If you have scored over 10 points, congratulations, you must be the cable guy!