From Friendship to Love
"Single File" - November 2023 Issue
by Susan Deitz
DEAR SUSAN: I'm 26, attractive and well-educated. I've been with the same man for three years. Before, I'd dated arrogant men. This man was a friend I started dating on the rebound. I've stayed with him because he's loyal and treats me well. However, I feel intellectually superior and wish he had more to offer in the way of interesting conversation. Help!
—Dodie A., Indianapolis, Indiana
The relationship that morphs from friendship to love is the best kind. The very best! This one has the basics, but you need more (so does he) so there's work to do; and you and your man are the ones to do it. Together, talk about joining a cooking class or a golf class or a film class or ...you get the idea. The point is, you two need more time together DOING things, not sitting across the table forcing conversation. The more you share with him, the more he'll be stimulated—and stimulating. Start the ball rolling with some casual talk about some joint activities he's up for. (His body language will tell you which ones interest him; build on them.) Then move from there to some suggestions of your own, like pet projects in the community/at church that he might want to be part of. With you, of course. Imagine the dialogue between the two of you when he's involved in the parts of life you feel strongly about. Between partners who love/like each other, there are no limits to the interesting parts of life you can share. Good men nowadays are hard to find; you've found one with gem qualities. Smoothing the rough edges could become a lifetime project. (Hint.)
You’ve Got a Serious Problem
I'm 63, divorced after 35 years and want to stay single. I enjoy dating, going to concerts, fine eateries and good conversation. But every woman I've ever dated wanted to get serious after the second or third date. Is this typical or am I selfish to want affection without commitment? (By the way, I don't lie, make promises or use the word "love.")
—Clay C., Long Island, New York
You've got a serious problem. (No pun intended.) Very few women share affection without wanting a man's assurance that the relationship has a future. (And you probably don't want the ones who live only for the moment.) I suggest you begin dating women in their 40s, a group more focused on career and children than marriage. And—since you need to think long term—increase your social throughput. Meet lots of women and keep doing so until you come across your counterpart. She's out there, a damsel in no distress about marriage.
Important Update on Online Dating Legislation:
ONLINE DATING INDUSTRY REJECTS REQUIREMENT: The International Association of Dating Websites (www.iadw.org) is opposed to proposed legislation that would require all dating websites to either do criminal background checks for all their members or post a very large disclaimer on the website's homepage saying that no background checks are being performed. "IADW believes that every dating website should caution its members about safety issues. But requiring a criminal background check would be costly. One of the main reasons the online dating industry is able to provide quality service to so many millions of singles is because the process is inexpensive. Criminal background checks can easily double the cost, making it too pricey for millions of singles. Offering criminal background checks as an option (at additional cost) is the proper way to address this issue."
This is an excerpt from a release from IADW. I believe such checks are important to the health of the online dating industry. Making them optional may or may not be the answer. I myself am not certain about the financial aspect of the issue. Any comments?
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