Hissy Fit

...Because Everyone Needs One Every Once in Awhile

You know you're living in a society hooked on sugar when you have to use a code word for ice cream to sneak around the dog. That's right, my mother's dog, Scooter, is addicted to ice cream; so Mom now calls ice cream, chicken salad. If you happen to be visiting Mom, you can count on being offered "chicken salad" around 10:30 every night. By using the code word, Scooter isn't alarmed and she remains calm, playing with her toy "Miss Piggie". It's becoming harder to decipher who is who.

Unfortunately, the chicken salad guise only lastD until she hears the freezer door open, at which point she gives Miss Piggie a break and perks up her ears. I know what she's thinking - no one freezes chicken salad! It's not until she actually hears the lid on the ice cream being "popped" open that she scrambles to her feet and waddle-runs into the kitchen.

Let me back up and explain the "popping" of the lid. While most people purchase what use to be a half-gallon carton of ice cream, my mother purchases the huge, round plastic tubs that hold five or six gallons each. "They are cheaper!" she touts justifying her purchases. She uses the word "they" because there are three or four of these tubs in the freezer, and yes, of course, she has an upright freezer to store them in. It's a necessity if you want to save money on ice cream.

Now you know why the dog is a sugar addict. She has cookies and cream, strawberry swirl, chocolate marshmallow and old-fashioned vanilla at her beck and call, usually two times a day. Actually, now you understand what's wrong with me. I grew up in that ice cream palace.

My mom has a severe sweet tooth. However, she is one of those annoying people who can eat "just a sliver" of cake or a spoonful of ice cream and be satisfied. I guess that counter-balances the people like me who can't seem to let a poor carton (or tub) of ice cream rest until it's all gone. That way I finish the last of the ice cream forever and have it out of the house -at least until I go to the grocery store again.

Really, I don't buy it every time I grocery shop. But when we don't have something sweet in the house, I've never seen more creative magic worked with chocolate syrup. The creations that a desperate sweet tooth can come up with are amazingly unbelievable and quite impressive.

As you know, it's that time of the year when sweets abound and sugar-plums dance in our heads -as if they ever stop. So if you see me in the grocery store in a straight jacket, please start the following protocol:

1. Compliment me on my sense of style and how I always seem to be ahead of the trends.

Under no circumstances should you untie the straight jacket, even if I seem plausible and convincing.

3. Point me toward the meat isle and tell me how delicious chicken can be -even share a recipe with me for good measure.

4. Don't dare say the words cheese and cake in the same sentence.

5. Send me home with pumpkin coffee and a pack of sweet-n-low instead of pumpkin pie.

6. Ask me politely, yet forcefully, to step away from the bakery.

7. And, if you see a little black dog waddle-running down the freezer isle, catch her,  she's probably got my ice cream!

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