Happily Ever After

For the past few months, we've been exploring new methods of communicating and establishing intimacy in our marriages. Last month we talked about ways to effectively deal with conflict. Now I want to take that topic a step further. According to relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, the top five things that couples argue about are money, sex, work, children and. housework. That's right. Couples are duking it out over who does (or doesn't) do the dishes, run the vacuum or scrub the toilet. Does this happen in your house? If you feel like you are pulling more than your share of the weight, it's time to make a change, before the "dirty laundry" piles up so high you can't get beyond the resentment.

While daily chores might seem like a trivial issue, it's just amazing how the division of labor can disrupt an otherwise happy household. In the old days, when men's and women's roles were more clearly defined, duties were largely unquestioned. Men brought home the bacon and women fried it up in a pan.and served it, washed the dish, mopped the floor, did the laundry, took care of the children, etc., etc. Everybody understood his or her lot in life and acted accordingly.

Today, when most women are juggling more balls than a circus clown, the line of duty is a bit of a blur-thus our confusion over who brings what to the table. For the record, there are no rules. That, in itself, is part of the problem. Each of us is destined to determine our own set of duly-negotiated guidelines.

Put up your dukes

If you are tired of fighting over who makes beds and who mops, maybe it's time to step onto the battleground and have that nice little conflict-resolving talk (see the March issue, p. 98, or read about it online at www.itsallpink.com). The first step might be to admit that there are some inequities in your current system-real or imagined. If the situation is temporary, say your husband is facing an overwhelming project at work and has been "forgetting" to toss his clothes in the hamper, you might cut him some slack and give him a gentle reminder. (Not "Hey, buddy, have you forgotten where the hamper is?" Try, "Honey, it would really help me if you could drop your drawers in the hamper.") That might be all that needs to be said. But if the problem persists, you may have to take the discussion a step further.

Set aside time to talk about your feelings-maybe over a weekend when you are not so frazzled and on-edge. You might start by saying something like this: "I'm feeling overwhelmed by the household duties these days. I wonder if we could talk about a system of sharing?" If he's amenable, you're in business. If not, you may have to go on strike.

Do the math

Start by making a master list of all the household chores. Get down to the nitty gritty and include all the details. Once you have your master list, divide a sheet of paper in half. On one side, make a list of chores for which you typically take responsibility. Have him fill in his own list. (He may be doing things behind the scenes that you simply haven't noticed, like clipping his toenails over the trashcan.) Seriously, once you get it down on paper, you will have a clearer picture of who's doing what. Maybe the imbalances will be obvious. Maybe not. But this is a good place to begin.
Next, put an X beside the household tasks that you absolutely hate, and have him do the same. For me, it is unloading the dishwasher. I don't mind loading it, but I would rather scrub toilets than unload it. Fortunately, my husband would much rather unload dishes than scrub toilets, so we have a deal. I do laundry; he helps fold. I dust; he vacuums; we share in grocery shopping and cooking. Now that each of us has an understanding of the other's expectations, we rarely need to discuss housework. It just "magically" gets done. And hey, if one of us has to pinch-hit occasionally, it's really no big deal.

To reach this point, though, you have to come up with an agreement and put it into practice. It's a matter of taking responsibility. Believe it or not, out of this comes a whole new level of respect-respect for the other person's time and for the relationship as a whole.

Homework

If resentment over housework has infiltrated your marriage, now is the time to nip it in the bud. By approaching the subject honestly, methodically and sweetly, you can eliminate at least one of the top five relationship stressors. (If you have children, you can get them involved, too. Train the future husbands and wives of America by delegating a few responsibilities.) As a bonus, you and your husband will have more leisure time. Martian Translation: If he takes out the trash and you get the dishes done, you can head up to the bedroom and settle the "no time for sex" issue. How about that? Two solutions in one!
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