Bruce Cameron

Want to know my secret for having written this newspaper column for 612 weeks in a row? Well, so do I. I never thought of myself as having any particular method or system for writing (and neither has my editor). I decided this week to make a detailed record of my process, so that we'll all know how I have done it, all these years.

Step one: My column is due by noon Tuesday. Like any professional, I want to make sure I give myself plenty of time to write, so at 11:30 I send an e-mail to my editor telling her that due to unique and extraordinary circumstances beyond my control, my column may be late. It is the 611th time I have written her this (my first column was on time).

Step two: Watch 18 minutes of Internet video featuring puppies.

Step three: Check my e-mail to see if anyone has sent me a column.

Step four: Send out a tweet to all my twitter followers telling them I could really use an idea for a column. Neither one of them responds.

Step five: My daughter has left me a pan of brownies, and when I go to check to make sure it is OK, I discover that the row is crooked. To straighten it out, I have to slice off a considerable amount of brownie, but now the edges are perfectly straight. Not wanting to waste the excess, I eat what I cut off, but that's it -- no more brownies until I've written at least half a column!

Step six: One brownie never hurt anybody. There, now I can work!
Step seven: I pull my "emergency idea file," which is where I put my sure-fire column ideas for when I'm stumped and really need to come up with something. Here are the ideas. 1. "Several words rhyme with chicken." 2. "Something funny about lasagna (ha-ha.)" 3. "China - lots of people live there." 4. "Sandwich."

Step eight: Time for a break. I have milk and a big brownie. Well, I don't want to exaggerate. More like several medium-sized brownies and then a big brownie.

Step nine: When my nephew wore a cat outfit this past Halloween, he complained about being too hot in it, and I told him, "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitten." I always thought this was funny - maybe if I extended it a little, I could get 700 words out of it. Like, maybe he wore a cat suit while he ate lasagna (ha-ha).

Step 10: I try to call my nephew to see if he has any hilarious things he wants to add to the cat suit story, but he's not yet home from school - proof my column shouldn't be due so early in the day!

Step 11: I can't believe the row in the brownie pan got so crooked. I tackle the problem with heroic dedication, and pretty soon the edges are straight as a razor.

Step 12: My editor points out it is after 2 o'clock and she still has no column. It's not after 2 in Hawaii, I respond, which is where I'd rather be anyway. I go online to see if anyone has ever successfully sued an editor for mental damage inflicted by constant and inhumane deadline pressure and wind up watching a video of a baby passing gas in a bathtub.

Step 13: When you've eaten half a pan of brownies, there's really no reason not to eat the other half.

Step 14: We are out of milk.

Step 15: I write my editor and tell her that maybe instead of causing me emotional distress with her psychotic obsession with deadlines, she could do something positive, like think up some more ways that lasagna is funny besides the obvious ones, which I'd also like her to think up.

Step 16: Turns out you can't just phone an elementary school and talk to someone in the third grade, even if you're a columnist under deadline. The principal agrees, though, that the cat suit thing is a "hoot."

Step 17: OK, now it is noon in Hawaii, where I'd rather be.
And I still don't have a column.

W. Bruce Cameron is a nationally syndicated columnist and the author of three books including "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" (Workman Publishing). To write Bruce Cameron, visit his website at www.wbrucecameron.com.